So, for whatever reason, while I was at the pool today there was a noticeably large volume of men packed into the spa, steam and sauna area with only a couple of women coming in and out of each space. Being the social/sexual observer that I am, I watched the dynamics with fascination about the mens relationship to desire.
Bikini clad women getting wet and steamy in a small enclosed space is perfectly normal visual to stimulate some level of instinctual arousal in the men, but what observed in the dudes responses was they were either strongly repressing their interest (i.e averting their eyes, taking sideward glances then quickly going back to pretending to be in there own space) OR they had swung out the other extreme and were holding a kind of shadow ‘sleaze’ energy in their gaze and body language that was almost intrusive.
It was an entertaining and disturbing sight and as i sweated it out feeling into what was going on it became even more clear to that very few men know how to cleanly worship and be with their desire of women and their sexuality without repression or overactive expression is so sad.
It’s not all a dude issue though – many women demonise any form of male sexuality (pure or otherwise) often due to their own history of trauma or abuse. They see any expression of longing, admiration, desire or attention that is sent in their direction to be inappropriate or predatory and therefor attack, fear or blame men for a very natural instinctual response to their beauty.
There is such a confusion in both men and women on what is appropriate and inappropriate sexually and how to be with ourselves and each other in a way that feels clean, clear and healthy – and when we have a pretty long history of abuse, blame, shame, victim/perpetrator, sexism, projections, manipulations and suffering all wrapped up in the history of desire…no fucking wonder.
The thing is pure desire doesn’t FEEL sleazy! When we experience this sleaze energy from a man (assuming we are clear around our own boundaries as mentioned above) it is because purity of his desire is not fully owned inside of him; the energy of shame has distorted the mans relationship to his sexuality and it’s manifesting in either suppression of overt expression – sexual shame means we get men who don’t dare to look in the name of ‘respect’- or a guy who can’t stop his pathologically sleazy ways.
Why is it seen as disrespectful to be desirous of someone? Why is appreciation of each others sexiness not seen as a healthy, beautiful, natural thing to recognise in each other?
How do we start trying to learn new ways of being present with our desire and worship of beauty in a healthy way?
I believe the more fully empowered sexual woman will change the planet.
Women who are empowered and confident in their sexual and sensual power are more open which means more attractive and desire invoking the men around them into more experiences of desire. The women feel secure safe in their bodies and responsible for their own boundaries and energy so the men around them can start to open into their desire without being shamed or ridiculed further.
I have watched this process in the erotic dance ritual performances we put on for Dancing Eros where we invite guests to come and witness us dance for them at the end of the 6 weeks. Often men arrive in the space scared and nervous and as we begin to consciously dance our sexual energy emotions of guilt, embarrassment and shame start to surface in them. They don’t know where to look, how to breath and what the hell to do in the presence of this kind of power and sexuality. Encouraged to just relax and appreciate us as we dance – by the end of the ritual as they women hold and express themselves with passion and love and acceptance the men start to feel similar relaxation and openness – we communicate the message through our own comfortability and openness that it is okay to feel sexual, turned on, full of desire, appreciation, worship and we retrain the men what it means to worship and appreciate.
Our sexuality is a beautiful, natural and healthy energy that is a joy to express and impossible to ignore because it is deeply linked to our core essence, our instincts and our freedom. It is never going to be swept under the carpet for long and it is our responsibility to start creating new and healthy ways of loving desire.